TALKING ELECTRONICS PRESENTS

Let's have a little diversion from our normal content.
Here are some jokes to brighten up your day from:

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for "behavior modification reinforcers."
The principal saw the item and asked, "What in heaven's name is that?"
"Lollipops," the teacher explained.

In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit.
"I can't do that!" the lady said. "The sweater is a surprise!"

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here four and a half years ago."

Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit. Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate chip cookies and proceeded on my way.
Later, I was stopped by another trooper. "What have I done?" I asked.
"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling. "I heard you were passing out great chocolate chip cookies."

A lady went to a pet shop.
"I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.
"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.
"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.
But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."

My daughter was six and excited about learning all the wonderful things about the world that first-graders learn. She turned to me one day and asked, "Mom, back in the old days when you were a kid, had they learned how to make the wheel?"
I replied, "No, Sweetie, back then we were just grateful to have fire."

During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"
The student replied. "BIG ones."

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a police officer for causing a commotion.
The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.
The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts."

On vacation in Hawaii, my mother called a cafe to make reservations for 7:00 pm.
Checking her book, the cheery hostess said, "I'm sorry, but all we have is 6:45 pm. Would you like that?"
"That's fine," Mom replied.
"Okay," the hostess confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised that you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

THE WORST ANALOGIES EVER WRITTEN ON HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.
"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"

LIGHT BULBS
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turns itself in.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Two atoms are sitting next to each other and one says, "I've lost an electron."
The other asks, "Are you sure?"
"Yeah," the first replies. "I'm positive."

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if they would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him they would, he bought all 15."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy's your doctor."

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "Holy Cow! A talking chicken!"

A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yeah! So did I."

When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors.
As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect.
Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer."
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney.
"Only to mow my lawn."

Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was inconvenienced when the phone went out of order.
Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.
After several days, Bill contacted the phone company and said there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine... except that all money was being returned on completion of each call.
A repairman arrived within the hour!

The new school librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.
The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."

At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

Instructor: "Isn't it remarkable how quickly the kids learn to drive the car?"
Parent: "Yes, especially considering how slowly they catch on to using the lawnmower and vacuum cleaner."

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:
"What chair?"

When I went to McDonald's, I looked at the menu and saw that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half-dozen nuggets.
"We don't have a half-dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Fractured Science
These are reputedly real answers to questions on science tests:
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
For fainting: Rub the person's chest, or, if it's a lady, rub her arm above the hand. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
Equator: a menagerie lion running around Earth through Africa.

English Lesson
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
This was a good time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.

1 . I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 . Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 . 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
8. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
9. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
10. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
11. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
12. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
13. I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
14. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
15. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
18. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
19. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.